Tie Me Up

So Let’s talk about some things: or more, I write, you read.

When your crazy organizing and need to micromanage everything in your classroom drives you to the point that you find yourself in the sensory room rocking in a chair, it’s time to take a sick day.  Yep, that happened. So, I’ve come up with some new things to think about:

1. this is your job, not your life

2. delegate (just because you think you can do it better, doesn’t make it ok that it gets done two months later)

3. Your job is impossible, so good job showing up!

Then, I went to the 5^th Avenue Tavern and drank all night. At 12 when I woke up, I decided that I should do something productive, so I went to the fabric store and bought a menswear pattern. So, obviously, I was still feeling a little crazy.

With that being said, I bought some amazing silk fabric and decided to make a tie.

I will spare you the step by step, but here is the pattern, cutting,  and final product.

Infinity Scarf #2

Infinity Scarf #2!

I woke up this morning and immediately knew what I had to do…SEW ALL DAY LONG. I drove out to Hobby Lobby, only to discover that they love the Lord and are closed on Sunday. But…what is that across the street?? The biggest JoAnn’s I have ever seen. Perfect. I was eyeing a dress that I saw on a blog earlier this week. It was made of black and white stripped seersucker…but it was linen, not cotton (so not really seersucker). Anyway, I found that fabric at JoAnn’s, and IT WAS ON SALE! I decided that I needed to make an infinity scarf to replace the maroon one that I lost (have you seen it?). So here it is.
This is what you will need:
2 yards of fabric (or 1 yard, cut in half lengthwise and sewn together to make it 2 yards long)
Sewing machine
Iron
Matching thread
needle
Scissors
Pins
Pandora Station: Cave Singers
Steamed broccoli with salt and pepper and red pepper flakes (to keep you going when you get mad)

Step one: Lay your fabric out. Fold it in half. Iron. Cut along the ironed edge. Fold that in half lengthwise, right sides together. Sew along the long edge with a zigzag stitch.

Step two: So far so good. Turn the fabric right side out. Carefully pin the raw edges at the top together (just one layer). This is the tricky part. You are trying to make a tube. Go slowly and don’t get frustrated. Take lots of breaks to put on lipstick, drink coffee, eat broccoli, check your e-mail, and send text messages.

Step Three: Sew along the pinned edge leaving about 3 inches at the end.

As you are sewing, slowly push the scarf inside the hole that is continually getting smaller (it make sit easier to sew.)

Refresh your Pandora (they don’t like playing to an empty room!)
Step Four. Turn the scarf right side out again. Thread a needle. Fold the raw edge into the scarf and pin shut. Use a slip stitch to close the hole.

Step Five: Throw one up to the Big J.C. ‘cause hobby lobby was closed and you found this great fabric!

Weddings and Bacon: The perfect pair!

It is January 1 already! I can’t believe it. I did not get in half as much crafting as I would have liked to over this holiday break, but I did score big today at Goodwill. I got an awesome 100% blue silk dress. It even has shoulder pads! Bonus!

It will go great with the peep toe pumps that I also bought.

Apparently this is the time of year that people get engaged. What this means for you: Lots of wedding themed crafts and food! What this means for me: not eating and working out like crazy person, while trying not to cut my finger off crafting. Tomorrow I am hosting a small brunch before some ladies go out dress shopping for Kath. Very exciting. I decided to make muffins, a fresh fruit plate, coffee, belinis and Bacon, Egg, and Toast cups. They are pretty simple, and delicious! My apartment smells like bacon, which is a double bonus.
Bacon, Egg, and Toast Cups
What you will need:
A package of bacon
A carton of eggs (try to get medium)
A package of whole wheat bread (get the cheapest, softest kind you can find)
1 cup cheddar cheese (shredded)
Pan Spray
Salt and pepper
Muffin tins
Cooling rack
Your oven
A frying pan
Tongs
What you do: First of all, don’t put your bread in the fridge. Only a stupid person would do that and then they would have to boil some water and steam their bread to warm it up and make it fit into the muffin tins. See? Waste of time, don’t do it. You will take your perfectly room temperature bread and cut it into a circle (repeat 12 times). I used an IKEA cup, it has a pretty standard circumference….I would suggest anywhere from 3-3.5 inches.

Place these little bread circles in a pre-pan sprayed muffin tin. Turn your oven up to 400 degrees. Get out your frying pan. Cook bacon on med heat. Don’t cook it all the way. It needs to be a little pliable, and also you’re going to pop these bad boys in the oven in a minute.
Use your tongs to grab the bacon and toss it onto a plate. It should look really gross, like bacon pasta or something. When your 12 pieces of bacon are cooked (and you have eaten the left over bacon in the package, because we all know what happens to uneaten bacon…nope, there isn’t such a thing. Bacon should always be eaten immediately) you will now begin the “hardest” part.
Take the bacon and work it in between the bread and the side of the muffin tin. You might break the bread a little bit. This is ok, the egg will mend it and your little bacon and toast cup will be all shored up with egg and ready to set sail in no time!
Toss in the tiniest bit of cheddar cheese. Now, crack an egg and put it in the cup. I suggested medium sized eggs, because there is way too much egg white with a large egg. So if you have a large egg, try to not put all of the white in. Now, put a little salt and pepper in them and cook for about 15 minutes. Just keep and eye on them and try to make the yolk how YOU like it.

Most of the time I make some little comment like “I’m a genius, these are great.”Which may or may not be true.  But I literally took a bit of this and thought “Holy hell, these are delicious” and then started laughing because I was so impressed with myself. Now, you try!

Fabric Junky

You may have never heard of this addiction before, but it is nothing to be laughed at. Fabric purchasing is a real problem. Who can stop themselves from wandering the endless shelves of bolted fabric. This is a sensory overload for everyone. The texture, colors, and smells, not to mention the bitchy old women that work at fabric stores and think that you are there to wipe your filthy paws all over their pristine fabric. You can’t help yourself from walking down the “craft aisle” at the thrift store and scoring a vintage piece of fabric or upholstery. Those are always the best and most rewarding finds. People may laugh when they see piles of fabric in your tiny apartment, but who do they come to when then need something hemmed, patched, or sewn (or have you sew tons of custom curtains that you spent every weekend on for at least four weeks)? That’s right, they come to the fabric hoarder.

Luckily, I have come up with a way to hide it. Here is my super organization of all the fabric I buy for no apparent reason. First, allot yourself an amount of space. Be very firm about this. Fabric has a tendency to multiply itself at a very rapid rate.

Next, fold all of your fabric neatly. Organize it! I divided mine into categories: outdoor/sport/fur (haha), trimmings/linings/interfacing, and pretty shit. I then took my shoe shelf, which never gets used, and placed it in the little tiny craft corner and placed all the fabric on it.

Are you so impressed?

Salted Caramel Sauce

Winter Break.  As a kid, this was the best thing ever! No school for two weeks! Then as a college student…best thing ever! No school for a month! Post-college, not so much.  Working everyday except Christmas.  Now, back to NO SCHOOL FOR TWO WEEKS. Awesome.  I went to Maui and spent some much needed time doing nothing on the back and by back I meant beach (when I saw that typo I had to leave it...too funny).  However, now that I am 25+ I lathered myself in sunscreen instead of Maui Babe, and came back looking like I got a level 1 Versa Spray Tan instead of looking like a Tahitian Princess.  Oh well. Anyway, I have a recipe with a stolen picture….

Homemade Salted Caramel Sauce:

You will need…

1 cup water

2 cups sugar

1 cup heavy cream

¼ tsp sea salt

A lot of patience

1 microwave

1 saucepan

1spatula

1 whisk

1 stove that does not have a glass top (or your caramel will be Michael Jackson style…white.)

Step 1: Pour water into the saucepan, and pour the sugar in the center, not touching the sides.  Good luck, I couldn’t do it, but it doesn’t seem to matter that much, but at least TRY.  DO NOT STIR.

Step 2: Heat over medium heat until the sugar dissolves (about 20-25 minutes) DO NOT STIR.

Turn to high until it turns golden brown.  Who knows how long this will take, one time it took 15 minutes and then next time it never got dark…hmm  but, DO NOT STIR

Step 3:  Heat the cream in the microwave for about 45 seconds (it should almost be golden brown too) you are doing this so it doesn’t turn into a lump fest in your pan when you whisk in the cream

Step 4: Slowly whisk in cream.  This part is always hard for me because slowly isn’t very descriptive…maybe sing a little song or something while your doing it and make sure you don’t finish before you're done.  Or just dump it in, I don’t think it really matters.

Continue boiling until the mixture thickens.  But don’t get all depressed that it’s not thick enough, it will get thicker as it cools. Add salt and then let it cool.

Step 5: Put it in some sort of container.  I bought little jam jars at Fred Meyer.  A double recipe filled 12.  Pour the cooled (slightly) caramel into the jars.  I let mine cool for about 30 minutes before pouring because I was paranoid that it would all stick to the pot and then I would spend my night scrapping it off with only my tears to help get it unstuck.

Step 6: Put the jars in your car in 30 degree weather over night and then handout to your staff at work for Christmas presents!

Faux Fur Vest

Pretty much every Saturday I go thrift store shopping.  Today it dawned on me that I hadn't been to the Value Village on 85th in a while.  As soon as I walked in the door, I remembered why: I hate this Value Village. It's always really crowded, the "nick knack" shelves are ridiculous and unorganized, they hang their jeans all weird by the thigh, and there are tons of unattended children wandering the aisles wreaking havoc on those of us who have chosen to not burden the world with our annoying spawn.  As I wandered around I kept running into sweater vests...tons of them.  Then I remembered a photo I had seen in a magazine of a woman wearing a knitted sweater with a fur collar.  So, I bought a mens' sweater vest, and a McCalls  pattern for a hideous cardigan and came up with this:

You will need:
Sweater vest
pattern that has a collar
faux fur
sewing machine
polyblend lining

I bought my fur at JoAnns.  Another bad choice.  It was 5:54 and the stupid pay to park was still in effect.  I looked around, thinking that there would be no parking meter reader in downtown Ballard on a Saturday.  Wrong, ma'am.  There the little asshole was in his go-cart hybrid thing that they run around on.  I only had a quarter, so I grossly over paid for my 6 minutes of parking, and carried on.  I entered JoAnn's, which apparently was having an old ladies with walkers convention.  They were EVERYWHERE.  I waded my way through their horrible floral scented perfume and made it tot he faux fur area.  after carefully selecting the cheapest fur available I made my way to the cutting counter.  I am number 85.  they are on number 83.  Great, not that long.  Just kidding.  Number 84 is no where to be found.  This is what I get to listen to for the next five minutes "Now helping guest number 84 at the cutting counter."  Nothing.  Wait one minute "Second call for number 84 at the cutting counter." Wait another few minutes...the little asshole behind the counter just smiles.  Dude, the store isn't that big, they aren't here! "Last call for number 84"  Nothing.  Then he starts organizing remnants.  "Well I guess they aren't coming, guest 85?" Dear lord, who gave you a job?! Then the best part "Oh, this is beutiful fabric!" Are you kidding? It is matted fake fur. Get out of my face.  I digress.


First, Cut the sweater vest down the middle.  Also cut out the pattern pieces that you will be using.

Now, fold the fur in half, and cut the collar out.  Make sure that you are cutting through two layers of fur, and that you DO NOT cut the fold open.

Now, cut a piece of polyblend lining out.  This is going to make it so little annoying ass chunks of fur don't start to fall off of your collar.  At this point, my jeans were covered in fur and it looked like Iris the Cat had snuck into my apartment and coughed up a ton of hair balls.

Sew the lining to the right side of the fur (you are going to flip it inside out, so pretend that you are making a little furry pillow, so leave a little two inch section in order to flip.

Make sure to trim really well around the edges before flipping it right side out, or else it's going to be all chunky and gross.

Now, hand sew the little opening shut.  Pin this U shaped tail to your vest and sew it on.  Make sure to follow the seam where the lining meets the fur, or else it looks like a disgusting fur cornrow along the edge.

Last step: Sew the cut edge by folding it to the inside of your vest and running a 1/4" seam.  Get out a lint roller and cleanup all the spare fur.  And look! Your very own Forever 21 style fur vest!

Yoda's Ribbed Sweater takes on a new life

I bet you’ve been asking yourself for years now…what do I do with those Ralph Lauren ribbed turtleneck sweaters that I’ve been saving for 15 years? Well, wonder no longer.  When I was gifted an assortment of them, I rolled them into a ball and tossed them into my “craft bookcase”.  If you’ve ever been to my tiny studio, you may have noticed the bookcase with a curtain, it’s hiding a very, very, crazy craft secret! Tons of ribbed turtlenecks! AHHH. Anyway, I decided that I would use the ribbed turtleneck to make an infinity scarf.  I started the project and was about 15 minutes in, then I lost motivation and tossed the sweater back into the bookcase again. 

Once I started working on it again, I was so engrossed in what I was doing that I didn’t take pictures…but I did find this very helpful tutorial which describes pretty much exactly what I did, minus beer, The Knife on Pandora, and a lot of swearing at my sewing machine. Also, this chick is not funny.  But her pictures and instructions are spot on: boring blog Here is my finished product, please ignore the badly conditioned Irish fro.