Mini Ham Sandwiches

Because nothing makes you more creative than a short timeline, I decided to make my "football food" for Coburn's birthday at 3. Party starts at 4:30, and...I was picking up a friend at the airport at 4. Way to go with your excellent time management skills! Good thing I'm teaching life skills to the future generations: we're screwed. Sorry!

Anyway. I decided to make these little delicious ham sandwiches that I saw on Pinterest. But, because God likes to intervene in mysterious ways that I don't understand, my phone would not load the recipe that I had pinned. So, I made it up, loosely based on what I remembered from my 3am pinning frenzie the night before (I watched a show about Hollywood murders, then tried to go to bed... Another brilliant idea by Erin).

You will need:

9x13 pan

Package of Hawaiian sweet rolls

Chive and onion cream cheese

3 Aged Swiss sandwich slices 

1 package Thinly sliced Black Forest ham

1/2 tbsp Onion flakes

1 tbsp Worcestershire 

3/4 cup melted butter

1/4 Parmesan cheese

You don't have time for music. You are in Marshawn Lynch Beast mode. Turn the stove on and put the butter in a pan to let it melt. Don't let it burn!  Open the Hawaiian sweet rolls and cut them in half. Now, place all of the bottoms in the pan. 

Layer two pieces of ham on each roll. Tear the Swiss cheese slices into four pieces each and place those on too. Next, spread the chive cream cheese on the top buns and place them on top. 

Your butter should be well past melted by now and hopefully you have already removed it from the heat. Add all of the other ingredients, except for the Parmesan, into the butter and mix. Pour the mixture over the top of the rolls. Sprinkle the Parmesan over the top. 

Put some foil over it, grab your coat, and drive to the airport ( or if you are normal, leave it sitting for at least 20 mins).

Send a text to Yoda telling her you need the oven two minutes before you show up.

Put the little sandwiches in a 350 degree oven for 15-20 minutes. 

Delight in how your little sandwiches bring Packer and Viking fans together for more than two seconds. And then win the real reward: hanging out with Jasper.

Acorn Squash Slices

Shannon, this is for you. I hope you can have brown sugar. Maybe you need to send me a list of foods you can have. 

Anyway, I bought an acorn squash for God knows what reason. It just felt right.

Then I did my usual "let this thing sit in the fridge forever" trick. It really inspires me to get creative. 

I cut the squash in half, gutted it, then sliced it.

Next, I realized that my cookie sheet was at school, so I put all of the slices in a ziplock bag. Guess how many days it took me to remember to bring the pan home..... 3. Luckily, there was no mold growing, and so far I'm not sick. I think we're in the clear. 

So, I tossed in some olive oil and brown sugar and shook it around in the bag. 

My oven was already at 400 degrees from making corn bread muffins (substitute coconut dream for milk and you'll never use cows' milk again). Lay the squash flat on the cookie sheet and cook for 5 minutes. Take a fork and turn over the pieces. Cook for about 15 more minutes.

I actually totally forgot about them and I think they were in there for more like 20-25, so they are a little more soft, and the pan was harder to clean because brown sugar and olive oil make black tar that requires a copper scrubber to remove. 

So, don't do that. Set a timer.

But, delicious either way!

Pressure Cooker Experiment aka everything is broken and I can't tell the difference between pork and beef

So, I went to visit my 97 year old Grandma the other week.  I affectionately refer to her as Mum. Mum, in her old age, does not give a shit.  She tells it like it is.  I walked in to her apartment at Bayview Manor to "Your purse is huge.  Go get one out of my closet.  Why do you need a purse that big? I never used a purse that size.  I'm sure that there is one in the glory hole that you can have." The "glory hole" is what she calls her walk in closet that I have to go through about every two years and eliminate all of the empty cookie tins and other weird stuff that she saves, like boxes with no lids.

Anyway, I left with a purse, a tin of cookies, and a pressure cooker.  After asking other people what to do with it, and Googling directions, today I dove in to pressure cooking.  It's weird.

So, first of all, I got confused.  I had a cut of beef that the guy at the store said would be good for pot roast and I also had some pork shoulder.  The pork shoulder ended up in the pressure cooker.  My bad.

What you need:
A pressure cooker (this one is electric)
3lbs of beef roast (chuck roast apparently is good)
salt, pepper, and garlic powder mixed together (enough to rub on the roast)
beef broth (a can)
3-4 carrots, peeled and cut into bite sized pieces
2 sweet potatoes cut into bite sized pieces
2 onions (small sized, or 1 big one) cut into quarters
1.5 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce

 

So, first, put on an apron.  I would also advise investing in some good tongs.  Mine suck, and I ended up grabbing a hot slab of meat with my hands.
Turn the pressure cooker dial to about 300 and heat up some vegetable oil in it (about 2tbsp.)
Brown the roast on all sides.  This was when I started to swear and grab random utensils in an attempt to flip the 3lb slab of raw meat, almost dropped it, and then grabbed it with my hands. Nothing like blood all over your hands and counter.
Don't give up though, you have a pile of raw meat waiting for you.  Once the meat is browned, rub the salt, pepper, garlic powder mixture on it.  Then, pour in the beef broth and the Worcestershire sauce and add in the onions.
Now, you get to figure out how to close the lid of the cooker.  Right tighty would be your first guess.  WRONG.  It goes left, of course! HAHAHAHA.
Now you are going to "bring it up to pressure".  I'm not sure what that means.  I turned up the heat to high, and put on the little screw top thing, which was broken.  So, steam was escaping the entire time. Thanks Mum!  I was not discouraged by this discovery and just continued on.
After 30 minutes, I "released the pressure the quick way."  I think that if I had a fully functioning pressure cooker, I would have removed the little cap.  Since mine was broken, I just opened it up.  I tossed in the carrots and sweet potatoes, closed it back up.
I then let it cook for another 15 minutes.
When I "released the pressure the quick way" again, I realized that I had put the pork shoulder in because the meat was very white.  I've talked about my relationship with pork before...I'm scared of it being raw. So, I got out my trusty meat thermometer to make sure it was done. Nothing.  Broken. yep.
So, I took the pork and veggies out of the pressure cooker, and cut that bad boy up.  It was looking a little pink, so I tossed it in the oven for 10 minutes at 350.  Done and done. It's delicious.

How to not look like a whore in red lipstick

I think I'm pretty good at wearing red lipstick. I'll work on being humble tomorrow.

Here are some examples: 

Red lipstick is easy if you have the right tools and apply it correctly. Also, you need to find a red that is good for you. I like matte reds and my two favorites are Ruby Woo and Russian Red by MAC. 

To do red right you need:

Lip liner (I use MAC Cherry)

Lip primer

Lipstick brush (thin angled brush) 

Lipstick

Here is a photo collage of the steps followed by instructions: 

So, first exfoliate your lip by gently brushing it with your toothbrush. Next apply your lip primer. 

If you look closely, you can see the scar on my face from being savagely attacked by a cat at the age of 12.  It scabbed over and I looked like a freak for about a month with my "half stache." Middle school is a cruel, cruel place. I'm sure my floral MC Hammer pants didn't help.

Anywho. Next, apply the lip liner. Make sure it is sharpened. If not you won't get a crisp outline. 

Now, take your brush and fill in your lip with the lipstick. I only use the tube directly on my lip when reapplying because it's much quicker. Applying with a brush lasts longer. I usually only need to reapply because I was eating a burrito. 

Go figure. 

Now, go out and wear red lipstick! You will immediately feel 10x hotter.

Cilantro Lime Brown Rice

I did it! After three different versions I think I figured it out.  I have recreated the Chipotle Cilantro Lime Rice!
So you will need:
1 tbsp. oil
2 cloves of garlic (minced)
some salt
1 cup brown rice
2 cups of chicken broth (or if you are a veg head, vegetable broth)
juice of about 1 lime
1/3 cilantro (chopped)

So, take the garlic, rice, some salt and pepper and toss it in a pan with the oil.  Mix that stuff around for about 2-3 minutes, until the rice is starting to look a little translucent.  Next, add the broth and lime juice and pinch of salt.  Bring all of this to a boil.  Cover before you turn it down to low.  Set a timer for 40 minutes.
I use this time to check what's going on in the world, or Facebook stalk.  Maybe you could paint your nails, or take a shower.
Come back in 40 minutes and remove the rice from the stove.  Fluff that stuff up with a fork, mix in the cilantro and dig in.
It's not as good reheated, so invite over some friends to eat with you, or just consume an ungodly amount of rice.  Or cut the recipe in half.

Here is how the recipe looks on my fridge:

Again, you're welcome.

Printing on Fabric

I've been stenciling for quite a few years. Mostly because I'm too lazy to learn how to screen print, and partially because you really have to use your brain to do it. And we all know there is nothing more satisfying than using your brain, then getting to tell everyone how smart you are.

I will pass on my tips, techniques, and info here. Do with it what you will.

I use overhead projector sheets to make my stencils and I use an exacto knife. You'll also need screen printing paint and a roller or paint brush.

Start by thinking about your design. 

This is what I decided on. Next, get a sharpie and your overhead projector sheet. Draw the design on to it. Remember that what you cut out becomes ink and what you leave will be the fabric you are printing on to. This is the tricky part for those of us with poor executive functioning. Take your time. I like to go super slow and do random things in between like go to Target and buy a new vacuum, or reapply my makeup (favorite time wasting activity). 

Look at that!

Now, you get to start the fun part...

Decide if you are going to use a roller or a paint brush. If you roll, you get more crisp lines and even paint, and you get to say cool things like "oh I'm just rolling out this stencil, then I'll be right over." If you use a brush you can get more precise shapes and you don't have to worry about extra paint at the edges of your stencil. Your choice, I could care less what you do. 

Now, position your stencil and use your method of choice (I did both for this project).

Don't use the paint directly out of the container, use a leftover babyshower plate. Sometimes you might want to add a little water to the paint. Don't add too much or it will bleed out and ruin the crisp details of your stencil.

When you are done let it dry completely (or use a hair dryer to speed up the process because obviously, waiting is for losers). 

When it is dry, use a piece of shit towel and lay it on top of the fabric with the paint side up. Turn your iron (that you "inherited" from your first college roommate) to the highest setting. Iron the entire surface, holding the iron in place for a ten count before moving to the next space. I kinda do this half assed and have never had an issue, but I'm trying this new thing called following directions.

Now, you've got some cool fabric!

Sauted Apples and Balsamic Pork

So, this month I decided that I would have a budget and do the "envelope" method.  So, if you get the great joy of hanging out with me this month, please excuse me as I dig through my bag and try to take cash out of the appropriately labeled white envelope.

 Anyway, this endeavor made me really think about buying food.  I eat out a lot, and I throw away a ton of food too.  It's actually pretty horrible.  I buy groceries and then I am too lazy to make anything with them and end up eating a burrito instead.  So, I made a nice little grocery list, and I have been cooking up some gems!  I spent $75 on food that I am hoping will last two weeks.  So far I am almost one week in and I already have almost a week of leftovers freezing! It's like I'm a regular budgeting house wife or something.
anyway, here is a recipe that I made up for the pork chops that I bought.  As always, if there isn't a measurement...just toss it in.

You need:
Two pork chops
balsamic vinegar
butter
an apple thinly sliced
salt and pepper

So, put about 2 tbsp. of butter in a pan and melt it.  Add the apples and sauté until softened.

Place your two pork chops in a baking dish.  Salt and pepper those bad boys.  Dump the apple concoction on top.  Toss in some chunks of butter.  Pour in the balsamic vinegar (about 1/3 cup) but making sure that the apples are saturated and that there is some liquid in the bottom of the dish.

Toss in the oven for about 30 mins.  Use a meat thermometer to determine if it's done or not.  I think you can get worms or something from raw pork...gross.